Tag Archives: wanting to die

Asking To Opt Out



I’m really confused right now, but I wanted to write about what’s going on at the moment…

I had a simple surgery to remove a little cyst on my ovary and some endometriosis on August 5th by my Gynecologist.  She did a laparoscopic procedure where they go in through the belly button and pump a bunch of air in my abdomen using a scope to navigate.  The surgery appeared to go well, they removed a tiny little cyst and a small patch of endometriosis, and I only had a tiny scar.  I went home 3 hrs after the surgery…

As soon as I got home, I had MAJOR pain and was back in the emergency room.  An X-ray showed that part of my intestine was ballooned out full of air (EXCRUCIATING pain)…Long story short, it appeared that the stupid laparoscopic machine (Da Vinci robot machine) accidentally punctured one of my blood vessels (possibly) and I had internal bleeding in an area that was not near where the surgery was done.  It took them 2 days to identify this, and my HG blood count went down to 4.5 (average is 12), my abdomen was in excruciating pain, I was fainting (fell and hit my head on the toilet), hallucinating and hearing this loud sound in my head that sounded like a jet engine.

On August 7th, I needed a blood transfusion ( 4 bags of blood, plasma, and platelets) and a 2nd surgery…A general surgeon had to come in and open up my entire abdomen from top to bottom to try to find out where the bleeding was coming from (so much for my tiny little scar 😦  And the scary part was that they couldn’t find it, so they just had to patch up some areas with some surgical foam where they saw blood clots hoping it would work.

I was in so much pain, I’ll be honest, I asked God to please let me die.  I was so tired of being sick and tired everyday normally, and now this was just going to add to the misery I’ve been experiencing.

After a very negative and extremely difficult 9 days in the hospital, I asked to go home because I couldn’t take smelling the nurses drenched in perfume anymore.  It was really hard for me to keep from throwing up, and with tons of staples in my abdomen, I had an idea that it would probably be one of the most painful things I’ve ever gone through.  So I went home to avoid throwing up.

The first night home I just laid there in the dark for hours and the room eventually started to turn red.  There was a red energy surrounding me and I had never seen that before.  I started to become very emotional and cry.  I asked God why this was happening to me…Why am I still here?  Why didn’t you let me die ? Is this ever going to end?

After a while of laying there the communication started to come into my head.  I was asked this question “ If you knew that by your being here (suffering), you would help to minimize the suffering of an innocent child from pain, torture, hunger, sadness or neglect, would you agree to continue as you are, or would you ask to opt out anyway?

I thought about it for a while and I said “Yes, I would continue”.  The images continued in my mind and the message that I got from them was this, “Every human being on this Earth was once an innocent child…they are still that innocent child inside…you must remember that when you interact with them.”… “You took a vow to do what it is that you are doing”.

I asked “But will it ever end…will I ever finish?”  The answer that I got was an image of  “The Void”.  I was confused by this and asked again “Will I ever finish?”  The answer that I got was that as a human, I could not fully understand the answer but that the answer was the void of creation. The answer was not something I could interpret and it was not what I might think it would be.   Then I was told to have Faith that everything is as it should be and not to focus on the difficulties that I was having at the moment, just let them flow.

Somehow it did make me feel a little better but it wasn’t the answer that I was looking for.  For the next 2 days (Tuesday and Wednesday) I had huge Crown downloads, strong pulling sensations on my lower back and constant movement on my body.  I’ve had huge electrical jolts throughout my body that shock me awake and pinching and poking sensations all over, feverish sweating.  Within 2 days of being at home, the pain has decreased dramatically and I’m up and walking around today.

Because of my ties with Buddhism, I’m pretty sure I took a Bodhisattva vow at some point.  As a human, the thought of something never ending is a very scary thing.  Can you imagine actually volunteering to continuously reincarnate over and over again…Forever?!  Can I pick some responsible parents who actually love me in my next lifetimes, or some family support or something?  At least give me something to work with!

Maybe next lifetime I can request to be a service dog 😉


Buddhist dog

I know this is going to be a long healing process.  Somehow it seems I’ve stumbled off of my path and have hit a very low point in my journey.  I just have to continue to have Faith that everything is as it should be and take it day by day.  I’ll continue to believe that there is something better out there waiting to be created.

Love ❤


**After I wrote this blog, I stumbled across a post that a Lama (Drikung Kagyu lineage) that I’ve met with before had put on his facebook page.  It somehow helped me to feel comfort from his honesty and a reminder that I am not alone.

Here’s what he posted next to his picture:

Lama Thubten Nima

“Yes. I am in prison, and has been in a prison of Samsara for a long time, which I do not know when it will end; whereas the regular prison has always set with a fixed timeframe, and one can come out of it when it’s done. Beings in this prison are constantly committing actions that keep them in the prison. Be aware! we are all in this prison.”

Thank you Lama 🙂


#7 in the 37 Bodhisattva Practices:

The gods of this world are not free yet from sorrow, for caught in samsara, some day they must fall.
If they are bound as we are, how can they protect us?
How can someone in prison free anyone else?
But Buddha, his teachings and those who live by them are free to give comfort – they will not let us down.
Go to the Three Jewels of Refuge for shelter – the Sons of the Buddhas all practice this way.