I meant to post this on FEBRUARY 16, 2013, but didn’t get around to it…
The past few days I was an emotional wreck. I cried for 2 days straight starting on Feb. 13th, like REALLY crying non-stop all day and all night…thinking of all the sad things that had happened to me throughout my entire life…my poor excuse for a mother, my nightmare stepdad who hated me, no family support, no true friends, nobody ever defending me or sticking up for me as a child of abuse, and also focus on how awful my current relationship with my boyfriend was and how he was so unthoughtful…it’s sort of like I was just feeling sorry for myself for everything that I had been through and for the support system that I didn’t have. On the third day, I came to the realization of what was causing this. It was sort of a merge with a part of me that had been repressed during my childhood and part of my adulthood.
This sadness was unlike anything I had ever experienced before…I feel that if it had gone on any longer than it did, I might not have wanted to be alive anymore. It sort of showed me what other people go through when they lose the will to live. If they don’t know how to release it and just continue to focus on it, it can grow much bigger. It was the ultimate feeling of hopelessness and rejection…not fitting in, not having a support system of friends or family like other people do, not feeling important or any purpose in life, nobody checking up on you or worrying about you when you’re missing or gone for long periods of time.
When I woke from sleep on the 3rd day, I immediately had a sudden knowing of why I was feeling so much sadness…it was explained to me that all this sadness wanted, was just to be acknowledged. I had pushed it aside and tried to ignore it for so many years, but it was time to let it express itself. I treated the sadness like an actual person and while meditating, I sent it Love and comfort, Forgiveness, saying sorry for what it had been through…
After all of that was done, the sadness seemed to go away. I had ignored it and pushed it aside all of my life because I had treated it like it was a weakness. I did exactly what my mother did to me…she always sent me to my room and told me she didn’t want to hear it. I was doing the same exact thing to my own feelings. Sometimes all something or someone wants is to be able to express itself, to be heard…just acknowledgement and a little sympathy for what they’re going through…that’s all it takes, it’s that simple. Such a small gesture can heal an entire lifetime of sadness.
I feel like I healed and released something VERY BIG. I’m just so Grateful that I was able to figure it out because this was HUGE. I do believe that I almost didn’t make it out….There’s a very fine line in releasing this type of energy…on one hand, you need to let it express itself, so you must feel it and experience it…but on the other hand, it can get so overwhelming and explode into this huge sea of emotions, that you might not be able to keep your head above water to see the way out. That’s why it’s so important to always stay in the Heart…meditate on your Heart center for the answers and for help…the Heart will always shine the light to find your way out of the darkness ❤
**After posting this, I found an article on Feb. 27th about Pope Benedict's public farewell speech…in an emotional farewell, he was quoted as saying : “There were moments of joy and light but also moments that were not easy … there were moments, as there were throughout the history of the Church, when the seas were rough and the wind blew against us and it seemed that the Lord was sleeping”. That was a pretty big sync for me…wow! 🙂
The article can be found here:
My skin has been very itchy for the past few days and last night my skin felt like a burning sensation…mainly on my legs…it was sort of like the hot cold burning you feel when you put on menthol or Icy Hot rub on your skin. There was no explanation for it because I hadn’t put any lotions or anything like that and it just came out of nowhere. I’ll go to the doctor next week to get some tests done just to make sure it’s not diabetes or something else…better to be safe…but I definitely have something going on with my nerves throughout my body.
I’m also feeling some movement on my body…lots of swirly movement on my neck and my 3rd eye and temple area for the past 2 days…almost like the energy is pushing and pulling in a gentle massage…also lots of Crown activity and energies pouring in to my head. My nerves have been extremely active and I’ve felt an exaggerated amount of random twitching for the past few days on my legs, arms, face, neck, and my knees…also an arthritis type aching feeling in my knees. I’m actually feeling something move out of the left side of my head as I’m typing this.
Sometimes I get this strange tingly sensation like something’s touching me on my arm, and when I look at my arm, I’ll have goose bumps only on the spot that I felt was being touched. It just happened right now when I was in the kitchen and I showed my boyfriend. It’s so weird, just goose bumps in small patches almost like fingerprints or something. I showed one of my friends once and she said it almost looked like it was spelling out a word on my arm!
Everything feels different today. Not sure if it’s because I released so much sadness a few days ago, but I’m definitely not the same. Something’s happening but I’m not sure what it is. I just feel completely different. When I woke up this morning, I heard a chirp in my room. It was almost like a cricket but somehow it was different and I knew that’s not what it was. I heard 3 single chirps about 8 seconds apart and then it stopped. I always hear internal noises when I’m in that half awake half asleep state, so maybe it was just something like that…usually it’s bells ringing or exploding noises that will startle me awake. This time the chirp seemed so comforting…somehow it made me feel like everything was going to be ok 🙂
After going through this recent experience of pulling myself out of this sea of sadness, my interpretation of “walking on water” has a whole different meaning to me…