Tag Archives: Hopelessness

Asking To Opt Out

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Suffering

I’m really confused right now, but I wanted to write about what’s going on at the moment…

I had a simple surgery to remove a little cyst on my ovary and some endometriosis on August 5th by my Gynecologist.  She did a laparoscopic procedure where they go in through the belly button and pump a bunch of air in my abdomen using a scope to navigate.  The surgery appeared to go well, they removed a tiny little cyst and a small patch of endometriosis, and I only had a tiny scar.  I went home 3 hrs after the surgery…

As soon as I got home, I had MAJOR pain and was back in the emergency room.  An X-ray showed that part of my intestine was ballooned out full of air (EXCRUCIATING pain)…Long story short, it appeared that the stupid laparoscopic machine (Da Vinci robot machine) accidentally punctured one of my blood vessels (possibly) and I had internal bleeding in an area that was not near where the surgery was done.  It took them 2 days to identify this, and my HG blood count went down to 4.5 (average is 12), my abdomen was in excruciating pain, I was fainting (fell and hit my head on the toilet), hallucinating and hearing this loud sound in my head that sounded like a jet engine.

On August 7th, I needed a blood transfusion ( 4 bags of blood, plasma, and platelets) and a 2nd surgery…A general surgeon had to come in and open up my entire abdomen from top to bottom to try to find out where the bleeding was coming from (so much for my tiny little scar 😦  And the scary part was that they couldn’t find it, so they just had to patch up some areas with some surgical foam where they saw blood clots hoping it would work.

I was in so much pain, I’ll be honest, I asked God to please let me die.  I was so tired of being sick and tired everyday normally, and now this was just going to add to the misery I’ve been experiencing.

After a very negative and extremely difficult 9 days in the hospital, I asked to go home because I couldn’t take smelling the nurses drenched in perfume anymore.  It was really hard for me to keep from throwing up, and with tons of staples in my abdomen, I had an idea that it would probably be one of the most painful things I’ve ever gone through.  So I went home to avoid throwing up.

The first night home I just laid there in the dark for hours and the room eventually started to turn red.  There was a red energy surrounding me and I had never seen that before.  I started to become very emotional and cry.  I asked God why this was happening to me…Why am I still here?  Why didn’t you let me die ? Is this ever going to end?

After a while of laying there the communication started to come into my head.  I was asked this question “ If you knew that by your being here (suffering), you would help to minimize the suffering of an innocent child from pain, torture, hunger, sadness or neglect, would you agree to continue as you are, or would you ask to opt out anyway?

I thought about it for a while and I said “Yes, I would continue”.  The images continued in my mind and the message that I got from them was this, “Every human being on this Earth was once an innocent child…they are still that innocent child inside…you must remember that when you interact with them.”… “You took a vow to do what it is that you are doing”.

I asked “But will it ever end…will I ever finish?”  The answer that I got was an image of  “The Void”.  I was confused by this and asked again “Will I ever finish?”  The answer that I got was that as a human, I could not fully understand the answer but that the answer was the void of creation. The answer was not something I could interpret and it was not what I might think it would be.   Then I was told to have Faith that everything is as it should be and not to focus on the difficulties that I was having at the moment, just let them flow.

Somehow it did make me feel a little better but it wasn’t the answer that I was looking for.  For the next 2 days (Tuesday and Wednesday) I had huge Crown downloads, strong pulling sensations on my lower back and constant movement on my body.  I’ve had huge electrical jolts throughout my body that shock me awake and pinching and poking sensations all over, feverish sweating.  Within 2 days of being at home, the pain has decreased dramatically and I’m up and walking around today.

Because of my ties with Buddhism, I’m pretty sure I took a Bodhisattva vow at some point.  As a human, the thought of something never ending is a very scary thing.  Can you imagine actually volunteering to continuously reincarnate over and over again…Forever?!  Can I pick some responsible parents who actually love me in my next lifetimes, or some family support or something?  At least give me something to work with!

Maybe next lifetime I can request to be a service dog 😉

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Buddhist dog

I know this is going to be a long healing process.  Somehow it seems I’ve stumbled off of my path and have hit a very low point in my journey.  I just have to continue to have Faith that everything is as it should be and take it day by day.  I’ll continue to believe that there is something better out there waiting to be created.

Love ❤

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**After I wrote this blog, I stumbled across a post that a Lama (Drikung Kagyu lineage) that I’ve met with before had put on his facebook page.  It somehow helped me to feel comfort from his honesty and a reminder that I am not alone.

Here’s what he posted next to his picture:

Lama Thubten Nima

“Yes. I am in prison, and has been in a prison of Samsara for a long time, which I do not know when it will end; whereas the regular prison has always set with a fixed timeframe, and one can come out of it when it’s done. Beings in this prison are constantly committing actions that keep them in the prison. Be aware! we are all in this prison.”

Thank you Lama 🙂

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#7 in the 37 Bodhisattva Practices:

The gods of this world are not free yet from sorrow, for caught in samsara, some day they must fall.
If they are bound as we are, how can they protect us?
How can someone in prison free anyone else?
But Buddha, his teachings and those who live by them are free to give comfort – they will not let us down.
Go to the Three Jewels of Refuge for shelter – the Sons of the Buddhas all practice this way.

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Healing the Sea of Sadness

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sea of sadness

I meant to post this on FEBRUARY 16, 2013, but didn’t get around to it…

The past few days I was an emotional wreck.  I cried for 2 days straight starting on Feb. 13th, like REALLY crying non-stop all day and all night…thinking of all the sad things that had happened to me throughout my entire life…my poor excuse for a mother, my nightmare stepdad who hated me, no family support, no true friends, nobody ever defending me or sticking up for me as a child of abuse, and also focus on how awful my current relationship with my boyfriend was and how he was so unthoughtful…it’s sort of like I was just feeling sorry for myself for everything that I had been through and for the support system that I didn’t have.  On the third day, I came to the realization of what was causing this.  It was sort of a merge with a part of me that had been repressed during my childhood and part of my adulthood.

This sadness was unlike anything I had ever experienced before…I feel that if it had gone on any longer than it did, I might not have wanted to be alive anymore.  It sort of showed me what other people go through when they lose the will to live.  If they don’t know how to release it and just continue to focus on it, it can grow much bigger.  It was the ultimate feeling of hopelessness and rejection…not fitting in, not having a support system of friends or family like other people do, not feeling important or any purpose in life, nobody checking up on you or worrying about you when you’re missing or gone for long periods of time.

When I woke from sleep on the 3rd day, I immediately had a sudden knowing of why I was feeling so much sadness…it was explained to me that all this sadness wanted,  was just to be acknowledged.  I had pushed it aside and tried to ignore it for so many years, but it was time to let it express itself.  I treated the sadness like an actual person and while meditating, I sent it Love and comfort, Forgiveness, saying sorry for what it had been through…

After all of that was done, the sadness seemed to go away.   I had ignored it and pushed it aside all of my life because I had treated it like it was a weakness.  I did exactly what my mother did to me…she always sent me to my room and told me she didn’t want to hear it.  I was doing the same exact thing to my own feelings.  Sometimes all something or someone wants is to be able to express itself, to be heard…just acknowledgement and a little sympathy for what they’re going through…that’s all it takes, it’s that simple.  Such a small gesture can heal an entire lifetime of sadness.

I feel like I healed and released something VERY BIG.  I’m just so Grateful that I was able to figure it out because this was HUGE.  I do believe that I almost didn’t make it out….There’s a very fine line in releasing this type of energy…on one hand, you need to let it express itself, so you must feel it and experience it…but on the other hand, it can get so overwhelming and explode into this huge sea of emotions, that you might not be able to keep your head above water to see the way out.  That’s why it’s so important to always stay in the Heart…meditate on your Heart center for the answers and for help…the Heart will always shine the light to find your way out of the darkness ❤

**After posting this, I found an article on Feb. 27th about Pope Benedict's public farewell speech…in an emotional farewell, he was quoted as saying : “There were moments of joy and light but also moments that were not easy … there were moments, as there were throughout the history of the Church, when the seas were rough and the wind blew against us and it seemed that the Lord was sleeping”.  That was a pretty big sync for me…wow! 🙂

The article can be found here:

http://news.yahoo.com/huge-crowd-st-peters-square-popes-last-audience-092643759.html

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Energy Sensations

My skin has been very itchy for the past few days and last night my skin felt like a burning sensation…mainly on my legs…it was sort of like the hot cold burning you feel when you put on menthol or Icy Hot rub on your skin.  There was no explanation for it because I hadn’t put any lotions or anything like that and it just came out of nowhere.  I’ll go to the doctor next week to get some tests done just to make sure it’s not diabetes or something else…better to be safe…but I definitely have something going on with my nerves throughout my body.

I’m also feeling some movement on my body…lots of swirly movement on my neck and my 3rd eye and temple area for the past 2 days…almost like the energy is pushing and pulling in a gentle massage…also lots of Crown activity and energies pouring in to my head.   My nerves have been extremely active and I’ve felt an exaggerated amount of random twitching for the past few days on my legs, arms, face, neck, and my knees…also an arthritis type aching feeling in my knees.  I’m actually feeling something move out of the left side of my head as I’m typing this.

Sometimes I get this strange tingly sensation like something’s touching me on my arm, and when I look at my arm, I’ll have goose bumps only on the spot that I felt was being touched.  It just happened right now when I was in the kitchen and I showed my boyfriend.  It’s so weird, just goose bumps in small patches almost like fingerprints or something.  I showed one of my friends once and she said it almost looked like it was spelling out a word on my arm!

Everything feels different today.  Not sure if it’s because I released so much sadness a few days ago, but I’m definitely not the same.  Something’s happening but I’m not sure what it is.  I just feel completely different.  When I woke up this morning, I heard a chirp in my room.  It was almost like a cricket but somehow it was different and I knew that’s not what it was.  I heard 3 single chirps about 8 seconds apart and then it stopped.  I always hear internal noises when I’m in that half awake half asleep state, so maybe it was just something like that…usually it’s bells ringing or exploding noises that will startle me awake.  This time the chirp seemed so comforting…somehow it made me feel like everything was going to be ok 🙂

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After going through this recent experience of pulling myself out of this sea of sadness, my interpretation of “walking on water” has a whole different meaning to me…

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Love ❤

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Walkingonwater