Tag Archives: Childhood trauma

Taming the Jackal

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jackal

I’ve really been focusing and working on clearing the energy from my childhood trauma with my mom.  I’d already released most of the energy having to do with my step-dad, but still held a lot of resentment toward my mother for allowing his actions and not protecting me like a mother should.  For many years I had continuous nightmares with both of them in it….I’m not kidding, I was having these nightmares at least a few times a week for over 10 years…I’d always wake up screaming or crying.  I haven’t had anymore dreams like that for the past 2 years.  I thought that I was through with it, but these recent solar flares and energy downloads stirred up some deep down emotions that I had hidden.

Before I fell asleep last night, something happened that I can’t explain, but I felt my Heart open and release the resentment toward my mother.  I know I won’t get a resolution or apology from her in this lifetime, so it’s been made very clear to me that I just need to do this on my end.  Recently talking to my Dad (my real Father) about it has helped a lot since he’s the only one who truly understands how deeply my mother can hurt people (she took me away from him when I was 3 yrs old and didn’t allow him to see me anymore for her own selfish reasons…coincidently, a similar experience happened to me with my youngest son when he was 3 yrs old, so I totally understand what my Father must have gone through..EXTREMELY  DEVASTATING)… I’ve been meditating and asking for help in doing this for the past few days… I’ve also been wearing my Moldavite crystal everyday with the intention of it helping me to clear my Heart.  Last night something allowed me to do it.  I felt the shift.

When I fell asleep, I had a dream about my step-dad (my mom’s 2nd husband).  In the dream, he was standing very still next to me and I was transferring energy from myself to his body.  The energy was all of the hurt, hatred, prejudice, and disgusting things that he had done and said to me during my teenage years and early 20’s.  The energy was in the form of orbs and it was coming out of my body and going into his.  I was returning it to him.

When I briefly woke up from this dream, I was a little worried that I didn’t transmute that energy, and that I had just given it back to him.  I don’t like to do that because it just leaves the energy around to hurt someone else…but something assured me that this was the way it was supposed to be and I had done exactly what I was supposed to do in this situation.  Maybe it would be a part of his life lessons?  I’m not sure, but I was assured not to feel guilty about it.

Taming the Jackal 

Later I had another dream that I was in a guest house and my Uncle and my oldest (first born) son were there.  One of my friends walked in.  His name is Juan and he has always been extremely protective of me throughout our friendship.  I don’t think I’ve ever had another friend so protective of me.  Juan walked in and opened the back sliding glass door and I saw a beautiful gray puppy with blue eyes and an illuminated blue glow to it (the blue glow was like a 5D color).  The gray color was like the color of this blue pit bull in the picture below:

bluepit

I went toward the door to look at this beautiful puppy and an adult dog jumped in front of me…I realized that it wasn’t a normal dog, it looked like an Egyptian Jackal that was also the same beautiful gray color with the glowing blue energy coming out of it.  The Jackal was snarling and growling at me and looked really scary like a monster with sharp teeth showing.

All of a sudden the Jackal jumped on me and tackled me to the ground…I was in a seated position on the ground and the Jackal had its front arms around me in a very strong hold.  I couldn’t move because the grip around me was so strong.  The Jackal put its head on my lap and I could feel the hot breath on me as it was snarling and growling.

My friend who had opened the sliding glass door casually explained to me that the Jackal was tuning into my energy and if my energy was acceptable, it would walk away and let me be…but if my energy was not, it would attack me.  I was pretty upset because I couldn’t understand why Juan would let this monster into the house (especially when my son was there, and especially when Juan had always been so protective of me) and allow it to possibly hurt us.

I realized I was being judged by this Jackal and quickly understood the importance of centering my energy at that moment.  I cleared my mind and began to give the Jackal energy from my Heart center…I could feel the current of energy coming out of me and pouring into its body.  Slowly the Jackal’s grip around my body loosened and its entire body went limp.   The Jackal got so comfortable from my energy that it was lulled to sleep.  I thought it was still growling at me, but it was actually snoring!

I was able to move the Jackal off of me and stand up without waking it up because it was in such a deep sleep.  Everyone in the room was amazed…Juan asked me how I was able to put it to sleep because it had never gone to sleep before, and was always on patrol…I just looked at him and smiled without saying a word…then I woke up…

I’ve been thinking about what the message might be from this dream.  I’ve come to several conclusions, but the main message that I’m getting is that I’ve reached a certain point in my clearing.  With working through this childhood trauma, I’ve taken a huge weight off of my Heart.

Anubis Scale

In Egyptian Mythology, Anubis is the Egyptian Jackal God that oversees the underworld. He was known as a caretaker and protector of the dead.  Anubis would lead the dead in the Underworld at the Hall of Two Truths to a set of scales where his or her Heart was weighed against the feather of Truth.  This is where their fate would be decided – if their Heart was light enough, they would gain entrance into the perfect afterlife.  If their Heart was too heavy, they would be sent to the Devourer of the Dead.  The meaning that I’ll take from this dream is that my Heart is now light enough and Anubis has let me pass 🙂

Shiny Heart

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Healing the Sea of Sadness

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sea of sadness

I meant to post this on FEBRUARY 16, 2013, but didn’t get around to it…

The past few days I was an emotional wreck.  I cried for 2 days straight starting on Feb. 13th, like REALLY crying non-stop all day and all night…thinking of all the sad things that had happened to me throughout my entire life…my poor excuse for a mother, my nightmare stepdad who hated me, no family support, no true friends, nobody ever defending me or sticking up for me as a child of abuse, and also focus on how awful my current relationship with my boyfriend was and how he was so unthoughtful…it’s sort of like I was just feeling sorry for myself for everything that I had been through and for the support system that I didn’t have.  On the third day, I came to the realization of what was causing this.  It was sort of a merge with a part of me that had been repressed during my childhood and part of my adulthood.

This sadness was unlike anything I had ever experienced before…I feel that if it had gone on any longer than it did, I might not have wanted to be alive anymore.  It sort of showed me what other people go through when they lose the will to live.  If they don’t know how to release it and just continue to focus on it, it can grow much bigger.  It was the ultimate feeling of hopelessness and rejection…not fitting in, not having a support system of friends or family like other people do, not feeling important or any purpose in life, nobody checking up on you or worrying about you when you’re missing or gone for long periods of time.

When I woke from sleep on the 3rd day, I immediately had a sudden knowing of why I was feeling so much sadness…it was explained to me that all this sadness wanted,  was just to be acknowledged.  I had pushed it aside and tried to ignore it for so many years, but it was time to let it express itself.  I treated the sadness like an actual person and while meditating, I sent it Love and comfort, Forgiveness, saying sorry for what it had been through…

After all of that was done, the sadness seemed to go away.   I had ignored it and pushed it aside all of my life because I had treated it like it was a weakness.  I did exactly what my mother did to me…she always sent me to my room and told me she didn’t want to hear it.  I was doing the same exact thing to my own feelings.  Sometimes all something or someone wants is to be able to express itself, to be heard…just acknowledgement and a little sympathy for what they’re going through…that’s all it takes, it’s that simple.  Such a small gesture can heal an entire lifetime of sadness.

I feel like I healed and released something VERY BIG.  I’m just so Grateful that I was able to figure it out because this was HUGE.  I do believe that I almost didn’t make it out….There’s a very fine line in releasing this type of energy…on one hand, you need to let it express itself, so you must feel it and experience it…but on the other hand, it can get so overwhelming and explode into this huge sea of emotions, that you might not be able to keep your head above water to see the way out.  That’s why it’s so important to always stay in the Heart…meditate on your Heart center for the answers and for help…the Heart will always shine the light to find your way out of the darkness ❤

**After posting this, I found an article on Feb. 27th about Pope Benedict's public farewell speech…in an emotional farewell, he was quoted as saying : “There were moments of joy and light but also moments that were not easy … there were moments, as there were throughout the history of the Church, when the seas were rough and the wind blew against us and it seemed that the Lord was sleeping”.  That was a pretty big sync for me…wow! 🙂

The article can be found here:

http://news.yahoo.com/huge-crowd-st-peters-square-popes-last-audience-092643759.html

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Energy Sensations

My skin has been very itchy for the past few days and last night my skin felt like a burning sensation…mainly on my legs…it was sort of like the hot cold burning you feel when you put on menthol or Icy Hot rub on your skin.  There was no explanation for it because I hadn’t put any lotions or anything like that and it just came out of nowhere.  I’ll go to the doctor next week to get some tests done just to make sure it’s not diabetes or something else…better to be safe…but I definitely have something going on with my nerves throughout my body.

I’m also feeling some movement on my body…lots of swirly movement on my neck and my 3rd eye and temple area for the past 2 days…almost like the energy is pushing and pulling in a gentle massage…also lots of Crown activity and energies pouring in to my head.   My nerves have been extremely active and I’ve felt an exaggerated amount of random twitching for the past few days on my legs, arms, face, neck, and my knees…also an arthritis type aching feeling in my knees.  I’m actually feeling something move out of the left side of my head as I’m typing this.

Sometimes I get this strange tingly sensation like something’s touching me on my arm, and when I look at my arm, I’ll have goose bumps only on the spot that I felt was being touched.  It just happened right now when I was in the kitchen and I showed my boyfriend.  It’s so weird, just goose bumps in small patches almost like fingerprints or something.  I showed one of my friends once and she said it almost looked like it was spelling out a word on my arm!

Everything feels different today.  Not sure if it’s because I released so much sadness a few days ago, but I’m definitely not the same.  Something’s happening but I’m not sure what it is.  I just feel completely different.  When I woke up this morning, I heard a chirp in my room.  It was almost like a cricket but somehow it was different and I knew that’s not what it was.  I heard 3 single chirps about 8 seconds apart and then it stopped.  I always hear internal noises when I’m in that half awake half asleep state, so maybe it was just something like that…usually it’s bells ringing or exploding noises that will startle me awake.  This time the chirp seemed so comforting…somehow it made me feel like everything was going to be ok 🙂

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After going through this recent experience of pulling myself out of this sea of sadness, my interpretation of “walking on water” has a whole different meaning to me…

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Love ❤

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Walkingonwater