Category Archives: Healing

Awareness And Release Of Trauma

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~ . Some fear the firesome simply become it . ~

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  Over the past year, I’ve had a series of events happen that have been totally and completely life changing/shifting.  I’ll start with one that introduced me to a new healing modality that I had never heard of before.  This modality has offered exposure and healing for deep down trauma like no other that I’ve ever experienced. I haven’t read anything online about others having this same type of effect from the modality, but I’ll share with you, the profound effect I’ve had as a result.

In May of last year (2018), I got a temporary job with the U.S. Post Office in Phoenix, Arizona.  I left my comfort zone job in remote Utah to take the new job in Arizona. I already knew that it was time for me to leave my “holding spot” and a series of events served as a catalyst for the change… I didn’t have anywhere to stay in AZ since my ex-boyfriend’s house was no longer available, so I started to search the AIRBNB website.  There was a listing that I totally resonated with and I made a request to rent a room for at least a month to get me started. After the first phone conversation with the owner, we both felt that there was a connection and she said it would be okay to rent the room on a monthly basis.

Long story short, the owner is a healer/energy worker and a very talented  artist. She is probably one of the sweetest souls I’ve ever met.  She just radiates a very calming and Loving energy.  She lives in a beautiful home nestled inside South Mountain right near the border of Tempe, AZ. She has a telepathic energy transmuting pitbull and a magical Goddess cat lol…. After a couple of weeks of staying in the home, she casually mentioned “Let me know when you want me to run your bars”….and I was like “Huh???”

I had no idea what she meant by that. What does “run your bars” mean? It ended up that she remembers a full conversation that we had about her doing the Access Consciousness healing modality on me, which focuses on touch points on your head that they call “bars”.  In this conversation, I had agreed to have it done.

We actually didn’t have the conversation that she remembered, but I trusted that she probably had it in a dream or in another realm. Since this has happened to me with other people remembering full conversations with me that never took place, I just went with it.  Either way, I felt good about it, so I agreed (again) lol.

The treatment, I’m guessing, takes approximately 1 hr on average, but you can go longer if needed.  We ended up going for almost 2 hours. I could feel the energy on my head like a Reiki treatment, only, the different bars would cause different sensations in different parts of my body when engaged.  When she got to the “Implant bar” behind the ears, I started to have visions and started to hear things, and to smell things…it was really bizarre the first time that this happened.

The first thing that I heard was pounding, very LOUD pounding. I got the message that this pounding was coming from underground.  I tuned into it and started to smell damp cold Earth, it was very dark. I saw a weathered turquoise wooden box and realized that I was trapped in this box underground.

(It was kinda creepy finding this picture online because it’s the exact same color that I saw..Yikes!)

I was the one who was making the pounding noise as I was frantically hitting and kicking the lid of the wooden box in hopes of somebody hearing my desperate screams for help…I was buried alive underground and left to suffocate and die.

After that vision had passed and played out, I started to smell something burning.  Then I felt extreme heat on the right side of my face. I saw fire. The smell began to change and I realized that it was the smell of burning flesh.  The heat on the side of my face was from my flesh burning in the flames. I was a female in that lifetime and I was being burned at the stake.

After we were done, I continued to have a very active electrical sensation on the right side of my face for several hours.  It’s like my face was repairing on a grid level after I had released the memory.

So I ended up leaving Arizona after a month because the job didn’t work out (I would not recommend EVER working for the Post Office lol) and I was being called to California to deal with creepy ancestral crap involving the paternal side of my family (which is a living nightmare I’ll write about later). When I was done with this other work, I ended up returning to her home in Arizona after a year had passed, and was back at her house again in May of this year, once again, for only a month.

This time we did an energy exchange for each other.  She would run my bars one day and I would do Reiki and other energy work on her at a different time, in exchange.  The next time she ran my bars, and when she got to the “implant bar”, I had A vision of “blackface”.

It was floating in the air like a photograph.  When I tuned into the energy to understand what that meant, I saw myself as an African male standing next to a tree.  I was a slave. I was hanged on that tree and then they lit me on fire. That was a very difficult implant/imprint to remove.  I had to really focus on removing it for quite a while. It took some time, but toward the end, I saw and felt a string (maybe a rope?) unravel in the right side of my jaw.  It was all intertwined and deeply embedded in the bone. It unraveled from my jaw bone, then down my neck, through my shoulder, my right arm and then it was forcefully being pulled out of my right hand.  It was REALLY long, so it took a while to pull the entire string/rope out. I have a feeling that this string/rope is some type of implant regarding hanging. Now that it’s in awareness, it should be easier to clear on other people.  That implant was a sneaky one that’s hard to detect. (**Also, in my personal experience, this implant may also be linked to suicidal thoughts having to do with hanging oneself, which I’ll also write about later).

The next and last time she ran my bars and got to the implant bar, I had a vision of a Knight’s Templar male.  First I saw the symbol, then I saw the sword.

In part of the vision, the sword was placed in my spine (energetically).  The top handle part was where my shoulders were, and the length of the sword pointing downward was in my spine.  I realized that the sword was energetically embedded in my spine when I took the Templar oath. I saw myself as a Knight kneeling.

I felt the strong sensation of loyalty and sense of purpose that I had invoked. It was overwhelmingly strong.  I knew that the oath was affecting my life now, that despite doing numerous vow and contract release techniques, that the sword had still been embedded in my spine on a different level. That one was also difficult to remove because there was such a strong sense of loyalty. It’s almost like a guilt feeling that I’ve abandoned a cause that I believed in so deeply and felt so passionate about. I had the same guilt type feeling in releasing Bodhisattva vows as well…But what I’ve come to realize is that in believing so passionately that we need to keep that vow, in attachment to the belief that we need to save someone or something, we’re actually creating it and keeping the need alive, we’re feeding it energy.  Once we release the belief in that need, in that vow, then the actual need for saving – the reflection of that in this world – will be released. That was a big realization for me. Quite profound…

So after these experiences with this type of trauma/death release, it was brought to my attention that for me personally, this was connected with “bullying” in my life. These deaths that I had experienced in other lifetimes have imprinted a type of trauma/wound that was reflecting/attracting bullying energy.  People being mean, people judging me for being different, people not liking me and making fun of me….this was all connected to the trauma of being condemned to death for being different in other lifetimes or for being a threat to their power over other people.

Maybe we all have such implants/imprints in consciousness;  being burned at the stake for being a witch or a healer, buried alive for being a threat in exposing the truth, Knights Templar destroyed by King Phillip’s command, beheaded for various reasons from various Royalty figures, lynched, starved to death, gassed, stoned, drowned because of our race or the color of our skin.

I’m sure I have more to clear and will definitely continue with my bars sessions.  Although it’s very sad and can be painful to tap into those energies, it’s also very interesting to see where each one connects with what is currently going on in this lifetime, what triggers are related to the particular imprint in consciousness.

But now that it’s in awareness, it should be easier to clear on myself and on others.  I am very Grateful

 ………….~Still We Rise~

Taming The Demon

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You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed – Antoine de Saint-Exupery – The Little Prince

“Taming the Demon”

If I would have read a title like this 6 years ago, I would probably feel a knot in my stomach while reading it. I had to ask myself why such things, words, or sometimes numbers, make me feel uncomfortable. What I discovered was that it was all due to programming from society, the people around me and their view of good and bad, light and dark…but what do I really feel from my own experience?

I was originally going to name this blog “Taming the Cyclops” but decided to change it…This posting is about a dream that I had that seemed to be the beginning of several dreams over the last few years that  all revealed the same message.

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About 6 years ago I had a strange dream that helped to change my view of demons, monsters and nightmares. In the dream I was visiting my younger cousin Greg at his home. We ended up going to the shopping mall to have some lunch. I placed my personal belongings on a table in the food court, to show people that we were going to sit there and to save the table for us.

I went to order food and when I came back to the table, there were 3 men sitting in the space I had chosen. They appeared to be laborers or construction workers.  The men carelessly put their lunch right on top of my personal belongings, just totally disregarding that someone else might be sitting there.

I told one of the men that we were going to sit there and explained why all of my stuff was on the table. He ignored me and continued to eat. After a while of trying to get a response from him, I proceeded to gather my belongings from the table and in the process, had to move his food to get my stuff from under it. The man was FURIOUS…he quickly and forcefully stood up in front of me and began to yell and scream in my face.  As he was screaming, he began to morph into a huge Cyclops monster.

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The man’s body expanded as he grew taller and more muscular.  He began to aggressively growl and foam at the mouth and his teeth were razor sharp and glaring like a wild animal.  I could feel the humidity of his hot breath on my face.

To my surprise, I was not afraid. I stood right up to him and stared into his single eye. I began to forcefully yell at him and told him that he was being absolutely ridiculous…that he was letting his anger turn him into a demon. “STOP IT NOW!” …”DON’T YOU REALIZE THAT YOU’RE ALLOWING YOUR EMOTIONS TO CONTROL YOU?!”…”YOUR EMOTIONS ARE TURNING YOU INTO A MONSTER” …”LOOK AT YOURSELF!!!”

As I was shouting these words, I could feel a release from my core, there was such power behind it. My words seemed to slowly calm him down and he just continued to breathe heavily while I stared into his eye. My staring into his eye seemed to have a hypnotizing effect on him. Even though he calmed down, he didn’t turn back into a man, he stayed as a Cyclops, but his anger slowly dissipated. I was somehow able to tame him.

This is where the dream is kind of hazy…I don’t remember parts of it.  The dream somehow shifted to the Cyclops giving us a ride home. I’m not sure how that came about, but I somehow influenced him to do it.

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He had an old beat-up white pick-up truck and we sat in the back of the truck while he drove us home.

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Outside of the mall, it looked like a small Middle Eastern city and I could feel the dry heat of the desert air.  The air was thick and dusty and I could feel the warmth of the sun shining down on my skin.

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We drove past a small marketplace of old buildings, shades of turquoise and blue, paint peeling off of the tattered walls. I could hear Arabic type music playing in the background.

As the Cyclops continued to drive us home, he kept slamming on his brakes and sharply turning corners so that we would tumble around in the back of the truck…he thought it was HILARIOUS and I could hear his deep belly laugh as he watched us with his single eye in the rear view mirror. I just told my cousin to ignore him and that we’d be home soon….

The Cyclops kept laughing so hard, such a joyful laugh, that it was contagious…It triggered my own laughter and as I began to laugh, then my cousin started to laugh. My cousin and I tumbling around in the back of the truck laughing hysterically…then I woke up…

Later when I thought about the dream, I realized that it was showing me that these monsters are created by ourselves…they are the creation of our own anger and emotions. When I told the Cyclops to stop being so ridiculous, he seemed to snap out of his rage and calm down…his behavior was now in his awareness…

At the end of the dream when we were all laughing, it showed me that I had brought joy to this monster that at one point wanted to rip me to shreds. By taming him and not trying to destroy or kill him, I had somehow healed a part of myself by bringing awareness to it and not trying to fight against it.

Something inside of me has changed as a result of this light shone in the deeply hidden darkness…there is a sense of unconditional Love and understanding for even the darkest aspects…realizing that it’s not an outside force, but merely a part of myself that just needed acknowledgment, acceptance for what it is, and forgiveness…

In resolution and graduation from the astral realm, we will take parts of ourselves that are not perfect…It’s the acknowledgement and acceptance of these parts of self that will allow the healing and release to the higher realms.  In my personal experience, we do not leave them behind…

We merely transcend them with Loving/Freeing recognition.

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LOVE ❤

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Ut queant laxis

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I received a nudge to post this for some reason…maybe I’ll figure out why later…When I listened to this with headphones, my entire energy field moved around in what felt like a swirling dance of energy…

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ut_queant_laxis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solf%C3%A8ge

 

From what I’ve read so far, it’s a hymn in honor of St. John the Baptist. I honestly do not know anything about St. John the Baptist, so I’m off to do my research 🙂

St.JohntheBaptist

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Oh, also wanted to note that today’s date is 12-13-14 😉

 

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Love ❤

Taming the Jackal

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I’ve really been focusing and working on clearing the energy from my childhood trauma with my mom.  I’d already released most of the energy having to do with my step-dad, but still held a lot of resentment toward my mother for allowing his actions and not protecting me like a mother should.  For many years I had continuous nightmares with both of them in it….I’m not kidding, I was having these nightmares at least a few times a week for over 10 years…I’d always wake up screaming or crying.  I haven’t had anymore dreams like that for the past 2 years.  I thought that I was through with it, but these recent solar flares and energy downloads stirred up some deep down emotions that I had hidden.

Before I fell asleep last night, something happened that I can’t explain, but I felt my Heart open and release the resentment toward my mother.  I know I won’t get a resolution or apology from her in this lifetime, so it’s been made very clear to me that I just need to do this on my end.  Recently talking to my Dad (my real Father) about it has helped a lot since he’s the only one who truly understands how deeply my mother can hurt people (she took me away from him when I was 3 yrs old and didn’t allow him to see me anymore for her own selfish reasons…coincidently, a similar experience happened to me with my youngest son when he was 3 yrs old, so I totally understand what my Father must have gone through..EXTREMELY  DEVASTATING)… I’ve been meditating and asking for help in doing this for the past few days… I’ve also been wearing my Moldavite crystal everyday with the intention of it helping me to clear my Heart.  Last night something allowed me to do it.  I felt the shift.

When I fell asleep, I had a dream about my step-dad (my mom’s 2nd husband).  In the dream, he was standing very still next to me and I was transferring energy from myself to his body.  The energy was all of the hurt, hatred, prejudice, and disgusting things that he had done and said to me during my teenage years and early 20’s.  The energy was in the form of orbs and it was coming out of my body and going into his.  I was returning it to him.

When I briefly woke up from this dream, I was a little worried that I didn’t transmute that energy, and that I had just given it back to him.  I don’t like to do that because it just leaves the energy around to hurt someone else…but something assured me that this was the way it was supposed to be and I had done exactly what I was supposed to do in this situation.  Maybe it would be a part of his life lessons?  I’m not sure, but I was assured not to feel guilty about it.

Taming the Jackal 

Later I had another dream that I was in a guest house and my Uncle and my oldest (first born) son were there.  One of my friends walked in.  His name is Juan and he has always been extremely protective of me throughout our friendship.  I don’t think I’ve ever had another friend so protective of me.  Juan walked in and opened the back sliding glass door and I saw a beautiful gray puppy with blue eyes and an illuminated blue glow to it (the blue glow was like a 5D color).  The gray color was like the color of this blue pit bull in the picture below:

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I went toward the door to look at this beautiful puppy and an adult dog jumped in front of me…I realized that it wasn’t a normal dog, it looked like an Egyptian Jackal that was also the same beautiful gray color with the glowing blue energy coming out of it.  The Jackal was snarling and growling at me and looked really scary like a monster with sharp teeth showing.

All of a sudden the Jackal jumped on me and tackled me to the ground…I was in a seated position on the ground and the Jackal had its front arms around me in a very strong hold.  I couldn’t move because the grip around me was so strong.  The Jackal put its head on my lap and I could feel the hot breath on me as it was snarling and growling.

My friend who had opened the sliding glass door casually explained to me that the Jackal was tuning into my energy and if my energy was acceptable, it would walk away and let me be…but if my energy was not, it would attack me.  I was pretty upset because I couldn’t understand why Juan would let this monster into the house (especially when my son was there, and especially when Juan had always been so protective of me) and allow it to possibly hurt us.

I realized I was being judged by this Jackal and quickly understood the importance of centering my energy at that moment.  I cleared my mind and began to give the Jackal energy from my Heart center…I could feel the current of energy coming out of me and pouring into its body.  Slowly the Jackal’s grip around my body loosened and its entire body went limp.   The Jackal got so comfortable from my energy that it was lulled to sleep.  I thought it was still growling at me, but it was actually snoring!

I was able to move the Jackal off of me and stand up without waking it up because it was in such a deep sleep.  Everyone in the room was amazed…Juan asked me how I was able to put it to sleep because it had never gone to sleep before, and was always on patrol…I just looked at him and smiled without saying a word…then I woke up…

I’ve been thinking about what the message might be from this dream.  I’ve come to several conclusions, but the main message that I’m getting is that I’ve reached a certain point in my clearing.  With working through this childhood trauma, I’ve taken a huge weight off of my Heart.

Anubis Scale

In Egyptian Mythology, Anubis is the Egyptian Jackal God that oversees the underworld. He was known as a caretaker and protector of the dead.  Anubis would lead the dead in the Underworld at the Hall of Two Truths to a set of scales where his or her Heart was weighed against the feather of Truth.  This is where their fate would be decided – if their Heart was light enough, they would gain entrance into the perfect afterlife.  If their Heart was too heavy, they would be sent to the Devourer of the Dead.  The meaning that I’ll take from this dream is that my Heart is now light enough and Anubis has let me pass 🙂

Shiny Heart

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Trip to Sedona – February 17, 2013

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I’ve felt a nudge to go to Sedona, so my boyfriend and I went on Sunday (Feb. 17).  It was such a beautiful day, about 65 degrees with a nice breeze.  The spot that I visit most frequently is Bell Rock vortex…I feel a pretty strong connection with that area, so that’s been the vortex of choice for the past few years.

I noticed that I got some white streaks in some of the pictures.  It just occurred to me today, that I’ve actually been seeing an illuminated white streak of light in my peripheral vision for about a year.  I mostly see the streak of light when I’m in the dark, but occasionally do see it in the daytime too.  Maybe what I’ve been seeing is what was captured in these pictures?

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We could see “The Chapel of the Holy Cross” from where we were sitting at Bell Rock, so on our way out, we decided at the last minute to visit the church.  We’ve seen the church before, but this was the first time that we’ve made a trip to that area.  I didn’t realize that it was a Catholic church until we got there…my boyfriend is Catholic, so I feel that this visit was more for him.  I know he’s felt some sadness from all of the events that have taken place recently with the Catholic church…and also the Pope resigning and the Vatican being hit by lightning shortly after!  It must be a very confusing time for him and his Faith.

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When we walked into the church we both immediately felt a rush of energy.  We just sat there in silence at the very back of the church and I felt my body enveloped with a Blissful current.  Within minutes, I felt some reaching into my 3rd eye area, followed by the warm water sensation coming in at my Crown.  I told my boyfriend that I was feeling so much energy that I wanted to share it with him, so he gave me his hand and I made the intention of letting him feel what I was feeling…he said he felt the energies move into him and they were working on different parts of his body even though I was only touching his right hand.

After a while of sitting there, my boyfriend turned to me and whispered that he was sorry for everything he had done to hurt or upset me over the years…when I looked at him, I realized he was crying.  I told him that I forgave him but explained that he’s not to blame for anything because it was me that had created it for my own life lessons.  He did those things to teach us what we needed to learn.  We both felt better and I believe that it was forgiven and released.  A huge weight was lifted off of both of us and we’ve been getting along wonderfully since.

I’ve made the firm decision that I’ll be moving out of his house at the end of March.  It’s a ‘for sure’ thing now, no “maybe’s” this time…This is IT…this chapter in my life has come to an end.  We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for years and haven’t been “together” in a very long time…it’s not fair to stay any longer and keep him from finding a relationship that will suit him better.  I only want him to be Happy…I feel that the tension between us needed to be healed before I leave and this was the perfect opportunity.  Even though the last 5 years with him have been pretty crappy, I do feel a deep sadness in letting go.  Most people would probably be happy leaving after all that we’ve been through, but I feel sad.  I’ve learned a lot about Forgiveness and Patience being with him…..maybe he’s been one of my greatest teachers 🙂

Healing the Sea of Sadness

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I meant to post this on FEBRUARY 16, 2013, but didn’t get around to it…

The past few days I was an emotional wreck.  I cried for 2 days straight starting on Feb. 13th, like REALLY crying non-stop all day and all night…thinking of all the sad things that had happened to me throughout my entire life…my poor excuse for a mother, my nightmare stepdad who hated me, no family support, no true friends, nobody ever defending me or sticking up for me as a child of abuse, and also focus on how awful my current relationship with my boyfriend was and how he was so unthoughtful…it’s sort of like I was just feeling sorry for myself for everything that I had been through and for the support system that I didn’t have.  On the third day, I came to the realization of what was causing this.  It was sort of a merge with a part of me that had been repressed during my childhood and part of my adulthood.

This sadness was unlike anything I had ever experienced before…I feel that if it had gone on any longer than it did, I might not have wanted to be alive anymore.  It sort of showed me what other people go through when they lose the will to live.  If they don’t know how to release it and just continue to focus on it, it can grow much bigger.  It was the ultimate feeling of hopelessness and rejection…not fitting in, not having a support system of friends or family like other people do, not feeling important or any purpose in life, nobody checking up on you or worrying about you when you’re missing or gone for long periods of time.

When I woke from sleep on the 3rd day, I immediately had a sudden knowing of why I was feeling so much sadness…it was explained to me that all this sadness wanted,  was just to be acknowledged.  I had pushed it aside and tried to ignore it for so many years, but it was time to let it express itself.  I treated the sadness like an actual person and while meditating, I sent it Love and comfort, Forgiveness, saying sorry for what it had been through…

After all of that was done, the sadness seemed to go away.   I had ignored it and pushed it aside all of my life because I had treated it like it was a weakness.  I did exactly what my mother did to me…she always sent me to my room and told me she didn’t want to hear it.  I was doing the same exact thing to my own feelings.  Sometimes all something or someone wants is to be able to express itself, to be heard…just acknowledgement and a little sympathy for what they’re going through…that’s all it takes, it’s that simple.  Such a small gesture can heal an entire lifetime of sadness.

I feel like I healed and released something VERY BIG.  I’m just so Grateful that I was able to figure it out because this was HUGE.  I do believe that I almost didn’t make it out….There’s a very fine line in releasing this type of energy…on one hand, you need to let it express itself, so you must feel it and experience it…but on the other hand, it can get so overwhelming and explode into this huge sea of emotions, that you might not be able to keep your head above water to see the way out.  That’s why it’s so important to always stay in the Heart…meditate on your Heart center for the answers and for help…the Heart will always shine the light to find your way out of the darkness ❤

**After posting this, I found an article on Feb. 27th about Pope Benedict's public farewell speech…in an emotional farewell, he was quoted as saying : “There were moments of joy and light but also moments that were not easy … there were moments, as there were throughout the history of the Church, when the seas were rough and the wind blew against us and it seemed that the Lord was sleeping”.  That was a pretty big sync for me…wow! 🙂

The article can be found here:

http://news.yahoo.com/huge-crowd-st-peters-square-popes-last-audience-092643759.html

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Energy Sensations

My skin has been very itchy for the past few days and last night my skin felt like a burning sensation…mainly on my legs…it was sort of like the hot cold burning you feel when you put on menthol or Icy Hot rub on your skin.  There was no explanation for it because I hadn’t put any lotions or anything like that and it just came out of nowhere.  I’ll go to the doctor next week to get some tests done just to make sure it’s not diabetes or something else…better to be safe…but I definitely have something going on with my nerves throughout my body.

I’m also feeling some movement on my body…lots of swirly movement on my neck and my 3rd eye and temple area for the past 2 days…almost like the energy is pushing and pulling in a gentle massage…also lots of Crown activity and energies pouring in to my head.   My nerves have been extremely active and I’ve felt an exaggerated amount of random twitching for the past few days on my legs, arms, face, neck, and my knees…also an arthritis type aching feeling in my knees.  I’m actually feeling something move out of the left side of my head as I’m typing this.

Sometimes I get this strange tingly sensation like something’s touching me on my arm, and when I look at my arm, I’ll have goose bumps only on the spot that I felt was being touched.  It just happened right now when I was in the kitchen and I showed my boyfriend.  It’s so weird, just goose bumps in small patches almost like fingerprints or something.  I showed one of my friends once and she said it almost looked like it was spelling out a word on my arm!

Everything feels different today.  Not sure if it’s because I released so much sadness a few days ago, but I’m definitely not the same.  Something’s happening but I’m not sure what it is.  I just feel completely different.  When I woke up this morning, I heard a chirp in my room.  It was almost like a cricket but somehow it was different and I knew that’s not what it was.  I heard 3 single chirps about 8 seconds apart and then it stopped.  I always hear internal noises when I’m in that half awake half asleep state, so maybe it was just something like that…usually it’s bells ringing or exploding noises that will startle me awake.  This time the chirp seemed so comforting…somehow it made me feel like everything was going to be ok 🙂

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After going through this recent experience of pulling myself out of this sea of sadness, my interpretation of “walking on water” has a whole different meaning to me…

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Love ❤

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Walkingonwater