Monthly Archives: August 2013

Energy Sensations – Update August 30, 2013

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Imagine

It’s been a long healing process since my 2nd emergency surgery on August 7th.  I’m starting to feel much better.  I didn’t realize how awful you could feel just from your Hemoglobin level being low (anemia).  I got my blood level back to 12 (the normal level) and am starting to feel MUCH better.  Low Hemoglobin can contribute to feeling fatigue, dizziness and nausea (if it gets low enough it can lead to heart failure).  For the rest of my life, I will have my Hemoglobin level checked periodically to make sure I maintain the proper levels.

On August 22nd it seems that a better choice for my living arrangement had manifested.  Out of the blue, my cousin offered for me to move into his new house.  It’s a beautiful 4 bedroom 4 bath 2,885 sq ft home near Laguna Hills in California.  He bought it on a short sale for $555,000.  I thought it was funny that the price had the triple 5’s in it, because I’ve been seeing triple 5’s so frequently for quite a while (and also seeing 222 which I sense as mirroring the 555).  The house is in a beautiful secure gated community where you need to be cleared by a security guard booth just to get in…the reality show “Real Housewives of Orange County” was actually filmed in that community.  I’m SO HAPPY!  Having a nice comfortable place to live has taken so much stress from my energy and from my life in general 🙂

Something strange happened early hours Tuesday morning (Aug. 27th).  Out of nowhere, I started to feel a really strange compression sensation on my entire body…I’ve never felt anything of this magnitude in my entire life…it started with the sensation of blood rushing to my head and feeling my heart pulse in my face…chills were emanating throughout my body and it felt like every single nerve in my body was firing up in waves… the sensation made me squirm around on my bed to try to make it stop.  It was so overwhelming that I was praying for it to stop.  The feeling started to make me feel claustrophobic like everything was closing in around me and I began to have a panic attack.  I was hyperventilating from the stress that my physical body was experiencing.  It literally felt like I was being compressed and I felt like I couldn’t breathe!

In my state of panic, the only thing I could think of to do was to take the maximum dose of Benadryl to make me feel drowsy and calm me down a bit.  To my surprise, the Benadryl actually did help.  The drowsiness took the edge off, and I was able to calm down and stop fighting the sensations, allowing them to flow through me completely.  The sensations stopped after about an hour and I was able to fall asleep.  I ended up sleeping for almost 20 hours. The feeling did not return once I woke up.   Whatever happened, I now feel like I’m in a different space.  Everything is much lighter.  It’s almost like I feel a guarantee that everything will be ok.  There is no doubt about it anymore…It’s a state of confidence that is familiar to me, but has not played a large part in my life so far.

I’ve been reading in comments on some blogs that quite a bit of people have been feeling extremely emotional, angry, and some even suicidal in the past week.  This makes me wonder if the feeling of me wanting to die while in the hospital had more to do with an energy shift than with what I was going through in the hospital? It’s possible that I was going through an energy shift at a very bad time and my feelings of grief were amplified by the emergency situation I was in.  Everything happens for a reason, I just haven’t quite figured out yet why I came so close to dying.  Maybe it had to do with the whole “rebirth” “resurrection” theme?

The only other sensations I’ve felt in the last few days have been heavy Crown and 3rd eye downloads, the energy inside of my body swaying from left to right, the back side of my chakras buzzing and an overall sense of wellbeing while fully balanced and centered.  These past few days I’ve just been catching myself daydreaming of all the things I want to do with my life, imagining myself living in my cousin’s beautiful house, and eventually happily living in New York.  I feel a sense of excitement and renewal.  Whatever this new space is that I find myself in now, I’d like to stay here…it feels pretty darn good 🙂

Peacock

Asking To Opt Out

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Suffering

I’m really confused right now, but I wanted to write about what’s going on at the moment…

I had a simple surgery to remove a little cyst on my ovary and some endometriosis on August 5th by my Gynecologist.  She did a laparoscopic procedure where they go in through the belly button and pump a bunch of air in my abdomen using a scope to navigate.  The surgery appeared to go well, they removed a tiny little cyst and a small patch of endometriosis, and I only had a tiny scar.  I went home 3 hrs after the surgery…

As soon as I got home, I had MAJOR pain and was back in the emergency room.  An X-ray showed that part of my intestine was ballooned out full of air (EXCRUCIATING pain)…Long story short, it appeared that the stupid laparoscopic machine (Da Vinci robot machine) accidentally punctured one of my blood vessels (possibly) and I had internal bleeding in an area that was not near where the surgery was done.  It took them 2 days to identify this, and my HG blood count went down to 4.5 (average is 12), my abdomen was in excruciating pain, I was fainting (fell and hit my head on the toilet), hallucinating and hearing this loud sound in my head that sounded like a jet engine.

On August 7th, I needed a blood transfusion ( 4 bags of blood, plasma, and platelets) and a 2nd surgery…A general surgeon had to come in and open up my entire abdomen from top to bottom to try to find out where the bleeding was coming from (so much for my tiny little scar 😦  And the scary part was that they couldn’t find it, so they just had to patch up some areas with some surgical foam where they saw blood clots hoping it would work.

I was in so much pain, I’ll be honest, I asked God to please let me die.  I was so tired of being sick and tired everyday normally, and now this was just going to add to the misery I’ve been experiencing.

After a very negative and extremely difficult 9 days in the hospital, I asked to go home because I couldn’t take smelling the nurses drenched in perfume anymore.  It was really hard for me to keep from throwing up, and with tons of staples in my abdomen, I had an idea that it would probably be one of the most painful things I’ve ever gone through.  So I went home to avoid throwing up.

The first night home I just laid there in the dark for hours and the room eventually started to turn red.  There was a red energy surrounding me and I had never seen that before.  I started to become very emotional and cry.  I asked God why this was happening to me…Why am I still here?  Why didn’t you let me die ? Is this ever going to end?

After a while of laying there the communication started to come into my head.  I was asked this question “ If you knew that by your being here (suffering), you would help to minimize the suffering of an innocent child from pain, torture, hunger, sadness or neglect, would you agree to continue as you are, or would you ask to opt out anyway?

I thought about it for a while and I said “Yes, I would continue”.  The images continued in my mind and the message that I got from them was this, “Every human being on this Earth was once an innocent child…they are still that innocent child inside…you must remember that when you interact with them.”… “You took a vow to do what it is that you are doing”.

I asked “But will it ever end…will I ever finish?”  The answer that I got was an image of  “The Void”.  I was confused by this and asked again “Will I ever finish?”  The answer that I got was that as a human, I could not fully understand the answer but that the answer was the void of creation. The answer was not something I could interpret and it was not what I might think it would be.   Then I was told to have Faith that everything is as it should be and not to focus on the difficulties that I was having at the moment, just let them flow.

Somehow it did make me feel a little better but it wasn’t the answer that I was looking for.  For the next 2 days (Tuesday and Wednesday) I had huge Crown downloads, strong pulling sensations on my lower back and constant movement on my body.  I’ve had huge electrical jolts throughout my body that shock me awake and pinching and poking sensations all over, feverish sweating.  Within 2 days of being at home, the pain has decreased dramatically and I’m up and walking around today.

Because of my ties with Buddhism, I’m pretty sure I took a Bodhisattva vow at some point.  As a human, the thought of something never ending is a very scary thing.  Can you imagine actually volunteering to continuously reincarnate over and over again…Forever?!  Can I pick some responsible parents who actually love me in my next lifetimes, or some family support or something?  At least give me something to work with!

Maybe next lifetime I can request to be a service dog 😉

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Buddhist dog

I know this is going to be a long healing process.  Somehow it seems I’ve stumbled off of my path and have hit a very low point in my journey.  I just have to continue to have Faith that everything is as it should be and take it day by day.  I’ll continue to believe that there is something better out there waiting to be created.

Love ❤

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**After I wrote this blog, I stumbled across a post that a Lama (Drikung Kagyu lineage) that I’ve met with before had put on his facebook page.  It somehow helped me to feel comfort from his honesty and a reminder that I am not alone.

Here’s what he posted next to his picture:

Lama Thubten Nima

“Yes. I am in prison, and has been in a prison of Samsara for a long time, which I do not know when it will end; whereas the regular prison has always set with a fixed timeframe, and one can come out of it when it’s done. Beings in this prison are constantly committing actions that keep them in the prison. Be aware! we are all in this prison.”

Thank you Lama 🙂

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#7 in the 37 Bodhisattva Practices:

The gods of this world are not free yet from sorrow, for caught in samsara, some day they must fall.
If they are bound as we are, how can they protect us?
How can someone in prison free anyone else?
But Buddha, his teachings and those who live by them are free to give comfort – they will not let us down.
Go to the Three Jewels of Refuge for shelter – the Sons of the Buddhas all practice this way.

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Energy Sensations – Update August 2, 2013

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go with the flow

Starting on July 27th, I began to have some very painful pineal migraines.  The kind of headache where your brain feels swollen in the middle and you want to go cross eyed…taking any medications or pain killers doesn’t help with the headache at all.   This is the longest I’ve ever had it…so many days in a row…The first time I had a headache like this for 3 days in a row (back in 2009), I went to the emergency room and had a CT scan and a spinal tap, and they couldn’t find anything wrong with me.  I’ve learned how to recognize these headaches now…

Also on July 27th I had a really bizarre lucid dream while I was taking a nap.  In the dream, I initially thought that my Kundalini was fully awakening and coming to completion to my Crown because I felt something forcefully moving up my spine…but it wasn’t the hot liquid feeling that I usually get, it just felt like a huge force of water about as wide as my head coming upward and shooting out of the top of my head full force.  This was some powerful force, like a fireman’s hose on full blast!  It felt so real and felt exactly like rushing water.

After I realized that it was water, I realized that it wasn’t actually the Kundalini, but some type of major cleansing or widening of the shushumna.  All I could do is just stand still and let it finish.  It was quite an overwhelming sensation with such power behind it that I just surrendered to it and let it continue to flow.  Once the forceful water stopped, there seemed to be some focus on the Crown and smaller streams of water (like laser precision) cleaning around the opening at the top of my head….It was a VERY realistic dream and I can recall the sensations as if it really happened…it was a really strange experience…I’m not sure what to make of it…

When I woke up from the dream, my headache was 10 times worse than it was before I fell asleep and I was burning up hot.  I felt like I had a fever. The heat emanating from my body was almost unbearable. The rest of the day I was ill…I felt like I had the flu with body aches, upset stomach and sensitivity to light.  I spent the entire day in bed feeling pain and discomfort. I kept seeing things around me that looked like orbs…feeling very disoriented and foggy and lots of energetic movement on my body in various locations…extreme fatigue…  Whatever happened in my dream, it did something to my energy.   Maybe I did it to myself to speed up the cleansing process?  I’m not sure…

I’ve felt very ill every day since then.  I’m still feeling ridiculously tired and disoriented now…My upper back, neck and jaw are full of tension and hurting pretty bad…also spasms on the Root chakra.  This seems to be a very intense cleansing period for me…when will this END ?! (sigh)…

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Let it pass

The energies are VERY busy right now…I feel that there is a potential for stress and chaos, but it’s not what one might think…it’s just that so much is passing through us right now, that it can be misinterpreted as negativity since it appears jumbled and chaotic…it’s not necessarily negative, but just chaotic energy due to there being so much of it all at once.  Does that even make any sense?  I see it as being kind of like the movie “The Butterfly Effect”…when he changes the future, and he has all of the events passing through him at the same time.  That’s the only way I can describe it as I see it.

Because of this phase, we may feel sad one moment, angry the next, happy, and then sad again…it’s just all of the energy passing through us and the key to staying balanced is to just let it go.  Most people may not understand where all of the emotions are coming from or how to deal with it…I’m physically exhausted and pretty much staying in bed, but although I’m resting, I know that my energy is very busy.  It’s a whirlwind of everything that is, that ever has been.

I didn’t notice too much physically on July 29th Grand Sextile…I did a meditation from Anrita Melchizedek called “Unified Heart Merkaba Activation” .  During the meditation, I was visualizing sending energy to different countries…as soon as I started that part of the meditation my arms moved upward like a yoga pose without me thinking about it…they just moved on their own.

Tree Pose

While I was in that pose, I felt something move under my right breast…it REALLY hurt like a stabbing pain.  It felt like something was alive and moving in there…I’m not sure what it was but I will assume that it has something to do with my Heart chakra expanding since I was doing a Unified Heart meditation.  I couldn’t really find anything online about any specific chakra under the right breast.  But there was definitely movement there and it felt more physical (heavy) than energetic (light).  I know I’ve felt buzzing under my right breast in the past, so I’ve always wondered if there is another separate chakra there that was awakening.

Other than that, I didn’t feel any more movement or any specific energies.  Now it just feels like an integration process…like I’m traveling through a sea of jumbled information, signals,  all coming at me at the same time.  I’ve learned to just let it go through me and not hold on to anything.  Holding on will create cords and cords will weigh me down…Don’t wanna get tangled…

My throat has been feeling clogged and I’ve been ridiculously tired, so I just tell people that I have the flu…So that’s all I’m getting right now…I feel there’s really not much I can do to feel better except let all of this pass through me and get some rest.  The less reactive I am to this process, the better the outcome.  I am really counting on this not lasting too much longer.

ill